So I wrote this post back in December and here it is March and nearly every single word still resonates. I've been really quiet on here recently and on social media in general, here's what I've been thinking.
xo.
I started off 2017 sitting in my best friends backyard around a bonfire. I’d kicked off my party shoes and we were sitting, looking at the stars and being quiet. Her then boyfriend now fiancé [now HUSBAND WHAT] was fixing my phone because it decided that shutting off randomly was fun and I wanted, no needed, it to work this year as I traveled. Getting a new one wasn’t an option and surely wasn’t in the plan. As we sat there and than quickly ran inside to toast midnight only then to escape back outside to sit my best friend turned to me and said ya know you’re going to spend more time out of this country than in it this year. As crazy as it sounded it was true and sounded exciting. So as much as I’m a home body (I really truly am trust me) that sounded thrilling. Like a dream I’ve been waiting on my whole life. To spend most of 2017 traveling. To finally be going to live in Africa even though some days it was scary to imagine.
And then time passed.
January came and I took off for the other side of the world.
February came and I cried ugly tears as I missed my mom’s birthday and fought off waves of homesickness and culture sickness.
March came and I’d learned some tough lessons but made friends.
April came and I knew things about life I’d never imagined knowing back home.
May came and I was so ready for a break in the US I can’t describe.
June came and I somewhat excitedly returned only to have dreams shut down and spirits crushed upon my arrival.
July came and God showed that His plan is always so so much better than mine.
August came and I weeped sending my family back to the US and keeping my feet firmly planted on Ugandan soil.
September came and I learned hard ugly truths about humanity but sweet truths about God and His infinite love for us and His unending grace.
October came and I was finally, blessedly sadly saying goodbye and making my way home. Home to a place I recognized but not as a person I recognized.
November came and I still wouldn’t sit. I kept pushing and pushing and fighting for “normal”.
December came and here I sit not normal and finally learning to be okay with it.
Most new year’s posts are full of plan and anticipation and excitement about goals and a new beginning. But what if we don’t know how to do that? What if we’re not sure what new even looks like this season? What if we’re still trying to learn and reconcile ourselves with the person we stare at in the mirror everyday?
I finally made it home, a place I longed to be but it’s not the same, I’m not the same. I’m not sure how to be this person that so many look at and “know” but don’t know. How can they know when even I don’t? Africa changes you. Life changes you. And as much as you want to know sometimes, oftentimes, it’s just not that easy.
I started this space, this little bubble of the world years ago because I thought it was cool, fun etc etc. I loved it but was never good at consistency. Then I moved to Africa and thought- perfect! A place to jot my thoughts down and keep people updated while I’m gone! Now I’m home and this little space has been quiet, so quiet. Which is funny when nothing at all has been quiet in my head for months. And I want to write it. I feel compelled to put some version of this story out in the world. For myself, for someone else to know that we aren’t all alone in this, whatever this is. So welcome.
I love this little space and the whims it’s taken me on, so here’s to a new Whim- cheers to 2018 even if it does start in March, cause that's just how some years roll. 🥂
